HARLOT plc: an amalgamation of the world's two oldest professions
HARLOT services HARLOT plc will provide a comprehensive package of services to discriminating trial sponsors who don't want to risk the acceptance and application of their products and policies amid the uncertainties of dispassionate science. Through a series of blind, wholly owned subsidiaries, we can guarantee positive results for the manufacturers of dodgy drugs and devices who are seeking to increase their market shares, for health professional guilds who want to increase the demand for their unnecessary diagnostic and therapeutic services, and for local and national health departments who are seeking to implement irrational and self serving health policies. The tables summarise our services: 1 shows the ways we can cook the data in an individual randomised controlled trial; 2 displays an array of aftercare services for keeping the truth from interfering with sales and implementation; and 3 lists the services that we offer to our non-elite (that is, shallow pockets) customers. Limited space permits the individual description of only a few of our services. References for all of them can be obtained by subpoena from our legal department. View this table: In this window In a new window Table 1 Stepped care for “me too” drugs or devices and useless screening tests View this table: In this window In a new window Table 2 Aftercare programme View this table: In this window In a new window Table 3 Non-elite services Defining medicine Medicine is politics “Politics is nothing more than medicine on a grand scale.” Rudolf Virchow, 18481 Politics is money “[Politics is] the conduct of public affairs for private advantage.” Ambrose Bierce, 19112 Ergo, medicine is money “Pliny says, in so many words, that the cerates and cataplasms, plasters, collyria, and antidotes, so abundant in his time, as in more recent days, were mere tricks to make money.” Oliver Wendell Holmes, 18603 Acknowledgments We offered Iain Chalmers stock options in HARLOT plc and co-authorship of this manuscript. He refused the latter.